Brotherly Love

The other night Ben and I were putting Junior to bed as Erin was working late. We splashed in the bath then picked out Junior’s fuzzy “per’damnies” as Ben likes to call them when he gets lazy about his pronunciation. Next we heated up the milk or rather the “moo” that Junior asked for, accompanied by the sign for “more.” Somewhere in the midst of that my heart melted when Ben said,

“Can I feed him his bottle, I want to cuddle.”

We are certainly all about the Love in our house. Erin and I knew going into this that we wanted our kids to develop and enjoy a sibling relationship but saying that is easy, waiting for it happen requires time. I think it started when Ben realized he finally had a playmate other than Erin and I. They could have their own clubs, their own games, their own secrets, even if Junior’s are still babble that sounds like “goo ba do du boo bah.” He always has an opinion.

And so we got the “moo” from the fridge and filled the bottle while Junior was wiggling on the kitchen floor saying “up, up, up”. We heated up the milk and took it to the bedroom. Ben climbed into the rocking chair and I popped Junior with his already dwindling milk onto his lap. Junior flopped back against his brother and contentedly sipped away.

That was it, that was the moment that I knew what Erin and I hoped for had occurred. The individual desire of our children to want to be with each other separate from our needs and wishes, and to have real comfort and affection for one another. They really are siblings and it is so comforting to know that no matter how life changes in the future they have developed that bond.

As a widowed mother it makes me feel so much more secure when there are other people around to support my son. I know that of course it is not just me, that I have tons of family on my and my late wife’s side that adore my son and would never let anything happen to him. However this is the everyday love, the love that wakes you up in the morning and wraps its arms around you before you have even gotten out of your per’damnies.

It is the love that is there when you have had a shit day and all you want around you are your people to talk about it, to hold you and reaffirm that they are there for you no matter what, day in and day out. It is our new-traditional, totally supportive, come what may love. I need a tissue…

Fashioning Families Launch Season Two!

Two badass moms, two ginger boys, two indifferent/insistent pets and now two seasons of our podcast Fashioning Families! I guess good things really do come in pairs. So over the last year this is how life has rolled out. Junior is walking and Ben never stops talking. They have finally realized that the other is a verifiable playmate and now the ruckus never stops.

Ben has become the CEO of the distinguished organization, KMH (Kid Monster Hunters). VP Junior suddenly has important responsibilities and paperwork, since he learned to use a crayon. Junior has also learned to take his socks and pants off every time we turn around.

Junior has also learned the meaning of gentle and our cat has learned to be graceful about being petted, even if he still disdains Junior when he crawls into the cat bed with him and rolls around. The dog is a little pissed with all the chaos even if she likes going to the park with the boys. She is is sure grateful for Ben, her walker extraordinaire!

Kelly rolls up her carpet when Junior is at the dinner table and they all expect that Junior will need a bite of everyones ice cream afterwards. Erin has transitioned to a life of carting Junior to daycare.

We have all suffered the plagues that both kids bring home. At last count, at least three bouts of cold for all, one bout of pink eye for Ben and Kelly and one Norwalk like curse for her, Junior and Ben. Now we are just waiting for the locusts.

Kelly’s hands are getting used to doing reflexology three days a week and writing her fingertips off. Erin and Kelly are both trying out intermittent fasting and would be really doing well if Kelly would just stop baking.

And now at long last Erin and Kelly have streaked through dinner times, bath times and bedtimes to get some recording time in to bring you Fashioning Families Season Two. Now you will get to hear double the laughs, double the groans, double the insanity and certainly double the love!

Check out the whole gang here!

Teamwork

When it comes to parenting Erin and I have learned there is a lot of guess-work and she is quick to say the challenges that she is now helping me puzzle through are going to be the same struggles she will have to work through with Junior. It makes me feel better that we are in this together.

She notices when I am shaking with rage and so lost in my own emotional reaction that I momentarily cannot function because Ben has been rude or thoughtless. I know when she calls because the baby has been up five times that night and she is walking into walls she is so exhausted, that she needs me to tag in.

We are a team, we are confidants and we saved each other’s bacon when we needed it most. I can honestly say God only knows what I would have done without her. I am thinking about this because Tess Kalinowski from The Toronto Star published an article on us about cohabitation and co-parenting; because we have to be strong allies when other people question our relationship from the outside and may not seen the intricacies and the intention with which we have build our unusual family; because my wedding anniversary is today and Erin knows how to hold space for my grief and my love for my lost partner.

It is a beautiful living thing that Erin and I have created that rises up to support us in our times of need. It is the continual tide pushed forward by honesty, commitment and respect. It is the container of joy that allows us to celebrate the courageous moments like when I sold my house, when Erin became a single mother, as well as the absolute silliness of enjoying time together. Just ask the melon ball that Erin launched across the table last night that landed exactly in the collar of Ben’s shirt.

I love my family. I love Ben, I love Junior and I love Erin. No matter what happens in the future, where we move, or when and if romantic partners come into our separate lives – WE are a TEAM. When I was widowed in 2012 I could not imagine having a partnership again, especially in such a unique way. So in the end this post is just about my heart, trying to understand that when something is ripped away from you, you get something back; a healing balm (or bomb) that offers you the opportunity to heal and live the life that you were meant to live.

Here is a link to the article in the Toronto Star! And Erin’s radio interview!

Swimming With the Stars

Hi All, Kelly here,

There are benchmarks when you arrive at something and the situation suddenly feels more significant than the literal interpretation. Ever since those hours in swimming lessons Ben has become a diving, fluttering machine. So when we head down to Regent Park Community pool its a real treat. The water slide doesn’t hurt either. However this was not just any old buoyant family outing.

Erin healed up from from the cesarean business (feeling so much sympathy for that) and she wanted to take Junior swimming. It was a painful ordeal for Erin to abstain from the lake in August during our cottage trip, so she was raring to go. I was sure Junior would love it as he has a laugh and a half at bath time, creating a small tsunami in the baby tub.

At first he was not convinced about the cold air and the the loud echoing room, but as soon as he hit the water he pretty much lost his mind with excitement. As Ben dove for rings floating up and down like a wounded fish and Junior was splashing and swooshing, that is when Erin thought she recognized someone in the pool. She couldn’t place them at first until she, The Walking Dead fan, knew where she was from. Just like that we were swimming with the stars!

The beautiful actress in question was ogling Junior in his cuteness and we chatted with her while her family swam around us. Under her gaze I felt even more like a family unit. It was a peaceful feeling and everyone’s joy just accentuated that.

As Erin went to throw rings for Ben, I got Junior and we puttered around the pool, swishing his little legs in my current. Making faces and over exaggerated moves my little star fish rewarded me with the quintessential wide smile and infectious giggle. That’s when I felt it, my heart melted.

I know it was our intention to “fashion” our own family but suddenly, emotionally it felt like we actually had. I love Junior, he feels like mine just as Erin feels like Ben is hers. They are ours and being there together cemented a beautiful feeling between us. This is what our boys will know, two parent figures who love and support them, a wide community of family and friends and a home that feels…like home.

Now it’s you turn: so you tell us, we love stories at Fashioning Families. What have been your most memorable family times?